Japan 9
by lily22
Summary: [KuroyanKirisaki] You’re saying that you want me to teach these people how to kiss because of some messed up bread Azuma came up with? Kuroyanagi asks, waving his hands frantically for emphasis.
1. first part

**Title:** Japan #9  
**Warnings:** Spoilers up to anime episode 21. Hardly makes sense. Total crack. And I haven't read the manga so there might already be a Japan #9.  
**Pairings:** Kuroyanagi/Kirisaki, implied Kawachi/Azuma

* * *

1. 

Devious things are happening tonight.

Tomorrow is the final competition of Pantasia's newcomer battle, and the two finalists, Azuma and Kanmuri, are feverishly preparing.

At least, Kanmuri is.

For now, rest assured that Kanmuri is making a list, checking it twice, and running around after ingredients, as he should be. Let's instead worry about Azuma, who isn't thinking about bread at all, but rather…

"KAWACHI!" Azuma slams the door open. "Kawachi, there you are! I've been looking all ov—what's wrong, Kawachi?"

Kawachi is sitting in the alley, looking like a balloon that's been caught in the rafters and left there to deflate.

"Come on, Kawachi," Azuma says, copying Kawachi's pose: a cross between the fetal position and that my-brain-might-explode-so-I'll-try-clutching-at-it-to-minimize-potential-damage position adopted by people with intense migraines or an upcoming math test. "It's not that bad… You made it to the semifinals. That means you're third, right? That's really good, especially with all the other newcomers out there…"

"It's not that, Azuma. It's…" Kawachi sighs and lets his hands fall. Red marks show through his hair where his fingers have been digging too hard into his forehead.

"It's what?" Azuma asks, getting on his hands and knees so he can peer into Kawachi's face.

"Nothing!" Kawachi snaps, shoving out but missing Azuma in his annoyance. "Nothing. Why are you here? You should be making delicious bread! You have to win!"

"But not when you're like this," Azuma protests. "Tell me what's wrong. I want to help."

"All you can do is make bread, Azuma. There's no way you can help."

"Pleeeeaaaase, Kawachi? I just want to know what's wrong, then."

Kawachi groans. "I just… I'm in love with… with someone, okay? It's no big deal."

"Really?" Azuma asks, even more curious now. "Who is it?"

"Why does it matter?" Kawachi jumps up, crossing his arms over his chest. "It's… it's Kanmuri!"

"Kanmuri?" Azuma repeats, shocked.

"You have a problem with that?"

"What? No, no," Azuma says, hastily. "So what's wrong? Just ask him out."

"But I can't. It's not like y—_he_'d say yes."

"Sure he would! You're a great guy, Kawachi. I'm sure he likes you a lot."

Kawachi sighs. "Th… thanks, Azuma, but… I can't do it. If I could at least pretend I believed y—_he_ liked me back, I might be able to, but right now I just… I don't feel confident, you know?"

Azuma brightens. "Oh, I know what you can do!"

"You do?" Kawachi looks suspicious. "But you have to make your bread for…"

"Yeah," Azuma agrees happily. He always gets like this, Kawachi thinks. He's always so happy when he figures out how to help people that he always forgets to actually tell them _what the solution is_.

"Azum-_aaaaa_," Kawachi prompts.

"You can give Kanmuri… Japan #9!" Azuma says.

"What?" Kawachi asks. "Look, if I wanted to give… _him_ bread, I could make it myself, not some Japan—"

Azuma shakes his head. "No, no. Japan #9! It's the Bread of _Love_, Kawachi!"

_"What!"_ Kawachi asks, stunned.

"Yeah. If you give it to Kanmuri, he'll go out with you for sure!"

"You can… you can do _that_… with _bread?_" Kawachi's voice jumps several octaves.

"Sure," Azuma says. "But let's hurry. We need to get the ingredients before all the stores close!"

Devious things are happening indeed.


	2. second part

**Title:** Japan #9  
**Warnings:** Spoilers up to anime episode 21. Hardly makes sense. Total crack. And I haven't read the manga so there might already be a Japan #9.  
**Pairings:** Kuroyanagi/Kirisaki, implied Kawachi/Azuma

* * *

2. 

The day of the competition arrives.

The sun creeps into the sky, decides it doesn't like what it finds, and makes a hasty retreat, calling for the storm clouds to please sub in, thanks so much. Before the clouds arrive, though, the sky is just a stretch of cool, empty gray.

It's the perfect day for disaster.

More sublunary viewers are less concerned with the sky than they are with the huge white building, topped with red. No, not Pizza Hut. Pantasia is bustling with activity today, as everyone wants to see these two amazing finalists battle it out. Hushed whispers combine into a loud roar: Him, the one with pink hair, his bread made Dave Hashiguchi stand up! And the one with the pink hairband, his bread made Dave _die_. Come to think of it, Kuroyanagi died too. And then he attacked the Meister. What? Yes, in that order. Oh. Um… I'm not really sure how, in fact, but it just happened like that, take it from me…

The finalists shake hands before the match, and then they begin, with the owner Azusagawa and general manager Meister Kirisaki watching from afar, and Kuroyanagi looming nearby.

Azuma's bread looks surprisingly normal, but everybody assures their neighbors that looks can be deceiving: "His last bread looked normal too, but it was still amazing!" "Yeah, and you told me Kuroyanagi died and then jumped the Meister. They're both right there! Like I'm going to believe anything you say from now on!"

"It's done!" Azuma announces triumphantly, saving many a self-declared expert on the events of the last competition. From the oven, he pulls out a pan filled with tens, maybe hundreds of little round pastries. "Japan #9!"

"Go on and judge it," Kanmuri says. "That's what happened in my competition with Kawachi-kun, so it's only fair, right? Besides," Kanmuri smiles sheepishly. "I'm not even close to done. I'm still making the dough."

"Actually," says Azuma, suddenly looking panicked. "You can't… eat it."

"What?" Kuroyanagi asks. "What's the point of a bread you can't eat?"

"Well… You _can_ eat it," Azuma says. "Just… not _you_."

"Why not?" Kuroyanagi doesn't know whether or not to be offended.

"I mean… I wouldn't want you to kiss me or anything. No offense," Azuma adds hastily.

Everyone looks on with interest.

"And why would I do that?" Kuroyanagi demands, one eyebrow twitching.

"Well… It's Japan #9," Azuma explains. "So… if you eat it, you'll, um…"

"Are you saying you've made bread that's a…" Kuroyanagi sputters. "an _aphrodisiac_!"

"Huh?" Azuma asks. "What's that?"

Suddenly everyone wants some Japan #9. After hearing what happened at the semi-finals, all twenty different versions, they're willing to believe pretty much anything about Azuma's bread. Within the seconds the tray Azuma holds is empty.

Kuroyanagi groans. Loudly.

Azusagawa stands up. "Azuma," he says. "There are many young people in the audience. How could you make…?"

"What?" Azuma asks.

Kawachi jumps to his defense. "Azuma is a bread artisan! That means that he makes wonderful bread for everyone's… bread… needs." Kawachi falters, but presses bravely onward. "Azuma only wants to further the bread industry! You did say any sort of bread, so I don't see how a… how…"

"Japan #9," Azuma supplies helpfully.

"How Japan #9 is any different," Kawachi finishes triumphantly.

"I think what we need," Matsushiro says, looking pointedly at Kuroyanagi, "is a lesson." He grins, looking far too amused to be safe. "After all, we don't want people inexpertly kissing one another, now do we? Kuroyanagi."

This wasn't happening.

"You're saying… You're saying that _you_ want _me_ to teach these people how to… how to _kiss_ because of some messed up _bread_ Azuma came up with?" Kuroyanagi asks, waving his hands frantically for emphasis.

"Well…" Matsushiro seems to be considering. Kuroyanagi _prays_.

Finally, Matsushiro shakes his head with a shrug. "It's not like _Azuma_ can do it, hm?"

All hell breaks loose.


	3. final part

**Title:** Japan #9  
**Warnings:** Spoilers up to anime episode 21. Hardly makes sense. Total crack. And I haven't read the manga so there might already be a Japan #9.  
**Pairings:** Kuroyanagi/Kirisaki, implied Kawachi/Azuma

* * *

3.

Pandemonium suits Pantasia, it really does. Nobody's been really sane since Azuma showed up, and now…

Kuroyanagi takes a deep breath. On the one hand, this is horrible, and Matsushiro deserves to die several painful deaths. On the other hand… Kuroyanagi shoots the other judges a glance. On the other hand, if he plays his cards right, he might just get something out of this…

"Very well then," Kuroyanagi says, "but I will need someone to demonstrate on."

Every last female in the audience stops breathing, and many of the males as well.

"However, it wouldn't be fair to just pick someone. I wouldn't want to be accused of sexual harassment or the like."

"We don't mind!" several dozen women called, in one voice.

"So," Kuroyanagi said, pointedly ignoring them, "I would like to ask the general manager, Meister Kirisaki, to help me."

All talking stops, though there is the rustling of hundreds of cameras being pulled out.

Well, nothing for it, Kuroyanagi thinks, and walks over to the Meister. Holding his hands awkwardly at his side, he leans down, and pushes himself forward.

After a few moments, Kuroyanagi says, "You'll have to take off your mask. Or at least uncover the bottom half of your face."

Meister Kirisaki clears his throat as the bottom half of his mask opens. What shows of his face is incredibly calm, which, Kuroyanagi has come to know, means he's most likely incredibly angry on the inside. Furious, even.

Backing off, Kuroyanagi looks down and closes his eyes. He's in for it now. It was worth a try, though. And it's not like Kirisaki can kill him on public television. Can he?

As if reading his thoughts, Meister Kiriskai stands, feathers bobbing. "Turn off the cameras," he orders.

Kuroyanagi chokes, and Kirisaki shoots him an amused look. "If I am to receive my first kiss," he says, "I'd rather it not be on television. Public or private," Kirisaki adds, looking at all the one-use disposable cameras aimed in their direction. "Are you okay, by the way, Kuroyanagi-kun?"

"Yes," Kuroyanagi manages to choke out from his position on the ground, where he is having a coughing fit. It's too bad the bread didn't send him to heaven, or even hell. Anything would be better than being there at that instant, and dying sounds like a welcome reprieve. Even so, he has to ask: "Is that really… Have you really never…?"

"Would I lie to you?" Kirisaki asks, and—has the world gone mad?—smiles. At. Kuroyanagi.

Kuroyanagi nearly faints.

"Meister," a black-suited security guard says. "We've confiscated all cameras."

"Good," Meister Kirisaki replies, and walks over to Kuroyanagi, sedately, purposefully, as he does all things. "Shall we?"

Kuroyanagi stares at the pale, slender hand that has been offered to him. He takes it, and, with a slight shudder, stands, still unable to believe that Kirisaki isn't going to strike him down where he stands.

The assembly hall has gone deathly quiet.

With his free hand, Kuroyanagi reaches up for Kirisaki, threading his fingers through the long strands of soft, blond hair. On the up side, it's nice and silky, plus now Kirisaki can't run away. On the down side, if he accidentally pulls too hard, he can pretty much say goodbye to his job at Pantasia. Oh well. And, whispering a prayer, Kuroyanagi turns his face up…

_Oh._

It's different when what Kuroyanagi's kissing isn't cold metal but a pair of lips, warmer and softer than he expected, and now he wants to…

Kuroyanagi pulls back hastily, extricating his hand from Kirisaki's hair as fast as possible.

"Wow," Azuma says, in his annoying little voice. "I didn't know you felt like that about Meister Kirisaki."

"I don't!" Kuroyanagi snarls, shaking a fist. "It's all your fault anyway! What were you thinking making a bread like that anyway?"

"But… what's wrong with it? What's an aphrodisiac anyway?"

Well, it wasn't like things could get any more embarrassing. Kuroyanagi leaned down and told him.

"Whaaaaaat?" Azuma gapes. "No, no! That's not what it is! Japan #9 is… It tastes so good that people who eat it fall in love. Well, at least, they tend to really like the person who gave it to them. That's all! Not… not…"

"_That_'s Japan #9?" Kuroyanagi looks suitably horrified for someone who has just found out that the idiotic stunt he pulled in front of a huge audience was all in vain. He doesn't want to turn around and meet Kirisaki's gaze in case it kills him.

"I guess we overreacted, didn't we, Kuroyanagi-kun," Kirisaki says, chuckling, and Kuroyanagi chances a look. The Meister is still smiling.

Kuroyanagi walks back over to the Meister and whispers: "Am I fired?"

"Of course not," Kirisaki whispers back. "Although I might change my mind if you won't have lunch with me after all this is over."

Kuroyanagi mouth drops open. He opens and closes it several times, and then, turning around stiffly, he points. "You! Azuma Kazuma! Victor! For making yet another bread that's sent me to heaven!"


End file.
